Comics and posts about TOP FIVE | Bassist Wanted

At the adoption agency

CECE: Mr. Edo, I'm afraid you can't adopt the girl you saw in the background of our commercial. Her parents are ALIVE.
KEVIN: That's too bad.

CECE: But we have plenty of other kids who need homes.
KEVIN: OK, but... How can I say this DELICATELY... are any of the other kids, like... HOT 19-year-old GIRLS?

CECE: Mr. Edo. This charity's focus is to find celebrity homes for underprivileged orphans!

CECE: So... yes, of COURSE. Here's a book of our SEXIEST kids...
KEVIN: WOW. It's like Sports Illustrated Emaciated Edition...

Scrapper

SCRAPPER: And then I need this laminated and cut to match the others.
JOHN: No problem…

JOHN: Dan's crazy. These scrapbooker ladies aren't prima donnas. I actually think it's cool they're so creative with-

SCRAPPER: What the FUCK are you doing with pinking shears, IDIOT?
SOUND: WHAP
JOHN: OW!

JOHN: It begins.
SCRAPPER: Did I MENTION sawtoothed edges? DID I, ASSHOLE?

El De Barge

BART: Joel, do we own El De Barge?
JOEL: I'll look him up, sir, but just to pick a nit, we don't actually OWN any of our artists.

JOEL: We own their MUSIC, their RECORDINGS, but we don't-

JOEL: Well, now, I apologize.

JOEL: It seems we do, in fact, OWN El De Barge.
BART: Wonderful! I need him to do "Who's Johnny" tomorrow on a boat in Dover…

I unsubscribed

STEWART: John?
JOHN: I've got a show at Rockwood tonight, Stewart.
STEWART: OK… why're you at my APARTMENT?

JOHN: You took your name off my email list.
STEWART: I unsubscribed from your list because I don't care about your stupid shows, John.

JOHN: Whatever. Our set's at 11pm. I'm giving you a ride over. Let's go...
STEWART: No! JOHN! I don't WANT to! Let GO!

STEWART: Augh! John! NO! Unsubscribe! UNSUBSCRIBE!!!

Whom to damn

CHRISTINA: Looks like our host shut our site down due to the traffic spike from people downloading our demo. We owe $300.
JOHN: Bah! DAMN these fuckin' MUSIC pirates!

CHRISTINA: No one pirated anything. Our hosting company is just charging bandwidth fees.
JOHN: DAMN the HOSTED companies then!

CHRISTINA: No, those are just the terms of our fairly standard contract.
JOHN: Then just... DAMN the transitional period the music industry is currently in!

JOHN: I WANT SOMETHING MORE TANGIBLE TO BE ANGRY AT!!
CHRISTINA: I know, sweetie. I know...

Brooklyn Vegan link

CHRISTINA: Whoa, looks like BROOKLYN VEGAN linked to one of our mp3s.
JOHN: Whoa!
DAN: We're FAMOUS! Which one?

CHRISTINA: "Bickerhound"!
JOHN: No no NO! "Bickerhound" is a B-SIDE! "Cathartic TARGET Practice" is our breakout HIT!

JOHN: He needs to change it. Gimme this vegan guy's email number...
CHRISTINA: Jonathan, he can link to whatever he wants to.

JOHN: NO, he'll do what we SAY! WE'RE FAMOUS NOW!
DAN: YEAH! Ha ha!
RONI: You two have an extremely low fame tolerance.

Yelling contest

RONI: All right, fine. We won't sell our demo on the website.
CHRISTINA: No, we won't... cos I already posted the mp3s on our site for FREE.

JOHN: What? WHEN?
CHRISTINA: I tried to tell you earlier, but you cut me off. And I was not going to get into a YELLING contest with you.

JOHN: CHRISTINA! When the fuck did you DO this?! Can we take them DOWN?!
CHRISTINA: Well, Jonathan, I'd be happy to tell you...

CHRISTINA: But I don't really care for your tone of voice.
JOHN: Don't you MOM-TALK me, Christina!! DON'T YOU DARE!!!

Returning the favor

KEVIN: I'm here to return the favor and screw YOU, Bart. Listen to our hit song, "Spiral Away"...
MUSIC: Spiral awaaaaaaaay, I lost myself, I fell until I couldn't fall...

KEVIN: And listen to our first album, Mega-Tuned to one note per song...
MEGA-TUNE: Spiral. Away. I. Lost. Myself. I. Fell. Until. I. Couldn't. Fall.

BART: They... sound the SAME.
KEVIN: YEAH... That's RIGHT...

KEVIN: MY MUSIC IS DERIVATIVE OF ITSELF!!
BART: Holy GOATS...

Albums reduce to songs

KURT: I haf found an interesting artifact of using Mega-Tune.
JOEL: OK.

KURT: Many albums, reduced to one note per song, seem to form new songs with the notes. For example...

MEGA-TUNE: You. Are. My. Sunshine. My. Only. Sunshine. You. Make. Me. Happy. When. Skies. Are. Gray.

JOEL: Whoa, what album is that?
KURT: "The Best of the Velvet Underground".

Consumers don’t like decisions

TESTER: So which version of the song do you like more?
GREG: I DUNNO...

BART: Consumers don't LIKE decisions, Joel. They want us to TELL them what's right. THEY NEED US.
JOEL: You talk like they're HELPLESS. They aren't scared little CHILDREN, sir.

GREG: Um... I... I have to go potty.

BART: AREN'T they, Joel? AREN'T they?
TESTER: Sir, put that DOWN. Sir... SIR, get that OUT of your mouth! Drop it... DROP it!