Comics and posts about songwriting | Bassist Wanted

How’d you do it?

JOEL: SO his albums, Mega-Tuned to one note per track, recreate his biggest hit song. ...SO WHAT?
BART: SO he still retains copyright on the Mega-Tune version.

KEVIN: So YOU still owe me my royalties.
BART: Meaning Mega-Tune... is USELESS. Jumpstart Malady songs were the only way we'd've made any real money.

BART: How'd you DO it, Kevin? How'd you make music so sonically BORING that it simplifies recursively into itself? How'd you write pop songs that PERFECTLY?

KEVIN: By ACCIDENT!!!
BART: Inadvertently brilliant... Yes, that IS your M.O.

Returning the favor

KEVIN: I'm here to return the favor and screw YOU, Bart. Listen to our hit song, "Spiral Away"...
MUSIC: Spiral awaaaaaaaay, I lost myself, I fell until I couldn't fall...

KEVIN: And listen to our first album, Mega-Tuned to one note per song...
MEGA-TUNE: Spiral. Away. I. Lost. Myself. I. Fell. Until. I. Couldn't. Fall.

BART: They... sound the SAME.
KEVIN: YEAH... That's RIGHT...

KEVIN: MY MUSIC IS DERIVATIVE OF ITSELF!!
BART: Holy GOATS...

Writing new one-note songs

MEGA-TUNE: Motherlover.
KURT: Und dat's the Mega-Tune version of "Ave Maria".

BART: The great thing about Mega-Tune is once consumers are trained to like it, we can stop using existing stuff and just create new one-note songs.

BART: Kurt, sing him the gem you wrote this morning.
KURT: OATMEAL!

KURT: I mean, you know, I'm still playing vit it.
JOEL: Haunting.
BART: Ooo. I like that. Did you just write that, Joel?

Songwriters

MEGA-TUNE: STATUTORY!
KURT: Dat was early Taylor Shvift song.
JOEL: Ugh, sir, what's the point of reducing these songs to single notes?

BART: Joel, each year our label loses billions. Why? SONGWRITERS. Due to arcane copyright laws, they rake in cash, hand over fist.

BART: Do you know they sometimes get paid almost THREE CENTS per dollar!? Just because they "wrote" the song. DisGUSTing.

BART: Well, Joel... you can't copyright a note.
MEGA-TUNE: MONEY!
KURT: Dat was dat Pink Floyd song.

Ted’s hate song

TED: Dad. You ruined my life. Here. It's a song I wrote about how much I hate you.
KEVIN: Didn't know you wrote music, Ted.

KEVIN: This is pretty good... Hey... How'd you like to OPEN for me sometime?
TED: REALLY?

TED: You're asking the son of the world's most popular musician to go on tour as his father's opening act?
SOUND: cha ching cha ching cha ching

TED: What was THAT?
KEVIN: Oh, that's just my agent. Hey Anth.
TONY: Hey guys...

Resolving the melody

RONI: No, John, you can't do that.
JOHN: Do what?

RONI: You ended your song before you resolved the melody!

RONI: You can't DO that!
JOHN: Why NOT?
RONI: You just CAN'T!!
JOHN: I CAN!!
RONI: No, you CAN'T!!!
JOHN: Says WHO?!

RONI: Says MUSIC!!!!
JOHN: I AM music!!!!
CHRISTINA: OK, let's... take a rehearsal break...

Hit more weird notes

RONI: You mean like... this?
JOHN: YES! Yeah. That.

RONI: OK, so when you say you want me to "hit more weird notes" in my solos, you actually want me to use chromatics to create melodic tension.
JOHN: I guess.

RONI: (sigh) This would be so much easier if you guys had a strong music theory background.
JOHN: Yeah...

JOHN: Or, I mean, if you DIDN'T.

Just repeat the chorus again

DAN: John, it's 4 AM, man. We've gotta stop writing this song. Let's just repeat the chorus again and go to sleep.

JOHN: NO!! It's gotta be something NEW, Dan! The BEATLES wouldn't "just repeat the chorus again"!!

DAN: The Beatles don't have an early shift at Kinko's tomorrow.
JOHN: We don't sleep until we redefine the fundamental structure of pop music!

The Eliminator

DAN: So the chorus is E, then A, then "The Eliminator."
JOHN: "The Eliminator."

DAN: Yeah, it's a new chord I invented.
JOHN: How do you know it's new?

DAN: Well, it's not in the book.
JOHN: The little laminated pamphlet that came with your guitar? C'mon: be professional about this shit, Dan.

JOHN: You have to look on Wikipedia, too.
DAN: Anyway... then it's E, Bminor, "The Buzzard's Gambit," and back to E.

Putting Names In A Love Song

DAN: I dunno, John. I think if you're writing a song about someone you love, you gotta put her name in the song.
JOHN: Yeah.

JOHN: Man, but NOTHING rhymes with "Goldfrapp."

DAN: "Mole... plaque"?
JOHN: Slant rhymes are for pussies, Dan.