Comics and posts about executives | Bassist Wanted

Consumers don’t like decisions

TESTER: So which version of the song do you like more?
GREG: I DUNNO...

BART: Consumers don't LIKE decisions, Joel. They want us to TELL them what's right. THEY NEED US.
JOEL: You talk like they're HELPLESS. They aren't scared little CHILDREN, sir.

GREG: Um... I... I have to go potty.

BART: AREN'T they, Joel? AREN'T they?
TESTER: Sir, put that DOWN. Sir... SIR, get that OUT of your mouth! Drop it... DROP it!

Megatuning “Viva La Vida”

TESTER: Greg, we're going to play two versions of a song, and we want to know which one you like better, OK?
GREG: OK.

COLDPLAY: For some reason I can't explain, I know Saint Peter will call my name, Never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world

MEGA-TUNE: Overwrought.

GREG: Hmm. The second one was definitely... SHORTER...
BART: Write down that subject finds Mega-Tuned version is "PEPPY" and "FUN".

Sixth sense for pop

JOEL: His sense of pop music is unCANNY. When asked to list songs he liked, he recited Clear Channel's ENTIRE Adult Album Alternative playlist.

JOEL: We ask him his favorite song every five minutes, and he's somehow able to always list the current top single on iTunes at that EXACT moment.

TESTER: What about now?
GREG: "Fireflies" by Owl City... no, wait, NO... actually it's "Replay" by Iyaz.

BART: FAScinating...
GREG: Wait, NOW it's the Glee cast version of "Alone". NO... "Take a Bow"! NO!! "ALONE"!!!

Getting focus groupers

JOEL: I've never run a focus group, sir. How do we get participants?
BART: The American way, Joel. With market forces.

BART: We bribe them. Vouchers, gift certificates, free food...
JOEL: Doesn't that result in overly positive opinions?

BART: Exactly!
GREG: Hi, I heard something about a Frostie coupon?

BART: Yes sir! Just sign this release form without reading it.
GREG: No PROBLEM. Oooo, free pens!!

Statistics and quotes

JOEL: With all due respect, sir, I don't think you've thought this through.
BART: Sure I have!

BART: I've got statistics! I've got quotes!
JOEL: Unrelated statistics and quotes that you've skewed to support your point.

BART: Well, maybe you're right. Let's focus group it. Get some outside opinions.
JOEL: Yes.

BART: And skew THOSE to support our point.
JOEL: No.

Memorable

JOEL: Well, sir, screwing songwriters aside... if we reduce songs to a single word and note, won't consumers... not... like that?

BART: On the contrary, studies show consumers favor songs with simple, memorable melodies and lyrics.

MEGA-TUNE: FELLATIO!

BART: And you can't get simpler or more memorable than that, Joel!
KURT: Dat vas Little Vayne. "Lollipop".

Songwriters

MEGA-TUNE: STATUTORY!
KURT: Dat was early Taylor Shvift song.
JOEL: Ugh, sir, what's the point of reducing these songs to single notes?

BART: Joel, each year our label loses billions. Why? SONGWRITERS. Due to arcane copyright laws, they rake in cash, hand over fist.

BART: Do you know they sometimes get paid almost THREE CENTS per dollar!? Just because they "wrote" the song. DisGUSTing.

BART: Well, Joel... you can't copyright a note.
MEGA-TUNE: MONEY!
KURT: Dat was dat Pink Floyd song.

A single vord

KURT: Vit Mega-Tune, we not only simplify music, but also lyrics.

KURT: Each song reduces to a single vord. Observe.

MEGA-TUNE: AMERICA! LOVE! PENIS!

KURT: Dat was de National Anthem, "Something" by de Beatles und, of course, Aerosmith's "Dude Who Look Like de Lady".
JOEL: Oof.

Beethoven’s Fifth

KURT: Ve call de process Mega-Tune. It accepts a piece of music, und returns dat piece of music simplified to a single note.

KURT: So, here ist Beethoven's 5th.
SOUND: Complicated music.

KURT: Und here is Mega-Tuned version.
SOUND: Single note.

KURT: Compelling, ja?
JOEL: It's HORRIBLE.
BART: I like it. It's HOOKY.

Extraneous noise

KURT: Ve find dat much of a song is extraneous... NOISE, ja? So ve say, "Vhy not shtrip de song of all but de ESSENTIAL bits und pieces?"

KURT: So ve shtrip it down to VON note.
JOEL: ONE note?
BART: ONE note.

KURT: Ja...

KURT: Usually, it's a "C".
JOEL: Dear GOD.
BART: He's gonna save us BILLIONS.