Comics | Bassist Wanted

Emo

JOHN: We are what kids like, Joey. We're exactly wh-... well. Hold on.

JOHN: Guys, are we an "emo" band? You know... "emotional"?
DAN: Umm....
CHRISTINA: Hmm.

CHRISTINA: Um.... W-well... I cried during "Life as a House".

JOHN: We're emo, Joey. Wicked emo. Hella emo...
DAN: Is Kevin Kline good in that?
CHRISTINA: Christina: Yeah. Yeah, he is.

No free drinks

JOHN: Joe, the bartender won't gimme a free drink, I thought--
JOEY: John... look, no, OK? You're lucky I even let you guys play....

JOHN: Man, Joe, look, I know we're local, but we're still a band. We deserve some perks. I mean, hell, we brought a bunch of fans to your club!

JOEY: You brought one person, dude... and she wasn't a fan.

JOHN: My mom is still is a fan, Joe!!
MOM: Johnny-honey, you need to jack up Daniel's vocals. I couldn't hear him for poop.

Only way to buy tickets

CARLOS: Can't... can't we buy tickets on the band's site? Or... or through the venue?
STEPHEN: No. Look, I'm sorry, OK? This is the only way.

CARLOS: I just... I hate using them. I hate it.
STEPHEN: I know, I know, but we have no choice... just click "submit".

SOUND EFFECT: KRAKOW! TICKETMASTER DEMON: Who dares summon the great and powerful Ticketmaster!

CARLOS: We... (sigh) we want White Stripes tickets.
TMDEMON: Then you will pay, mortal!!! First, a $6 service fee for every letter in your middle name!!!

Slaves to the audience

JOHN: OK, post-practice band meeting, people!

JOHN: I'm a little upset about the setlist changes last night. Do we take requests? Yes. But we are not slaves to the audience. The Ambulance Men are artists.

RONI: It was a karaoke night, John. They pick the songs; we play them. That's how it works.

JOHN: SLAVE!!
DAN: I thought our "Sweet Caroline" had a real edge to it, by the way.
CHRISTINA: (silent)

Still raw.

FRANK: Bill. You're 47 years old. You can't put out a "zine".
BILL: Yes, I can, Frank.

BILL: This is for those middle-aged guys out there, like myself, who never gave up their punk fire. They need a voice, Frank. And I'm it.

FRANK: You own a $20 million bookbinding company, Bill.
BILL: And I'm still raw!

FRANK: Can you at least put it on the glossy paper?
BILL: Ha! Glossy paper would be selling out. Bill Dever doesn't sell out.

The honest DJ

BARRY: We're coming into the top of the hour here at WHNT. And up next, we have the same 20 songs we played this morning....

BARRY: And which were played at the other 100 stations that are owned by the same conglomerate that owns us....

BARRY: In fact, you could burn a CD of these 20 songs and play it on "shuffle", and you'd accurately reflect our programming.

BARRY: But then you're miss me.... I'm Barry, the Honest DJ, back after this....
STEPHEN: Give 'em hell, Barry....

Thinking outside the box

AGENT: OK, bad news, boys, the label was very down on the last tapes of the album you sent in.

AGENT: So, if this record is gonna happen, we need to really change it up, think outside the box.
GORDON CRANWICK: OK.
KEVIN EDO: Yeah.

GORDON CRANWICK: What if we made the whole CD a hidden track!
KEVIN EDO: Ooo, yeah! So, like, there's just 40 minutes of silence... and then the album!

AGENT: OK... everybody back in the box....
GORDON CRANWICK: We could re-record all the guitar solos with pan flutes!
KEVIN EDO: Pan flutes! Yes! Yes!
ROCCO: (silent)

Still holding on

CARLOS: Man. I really... I don't like this band anymore.

CARLOS: The music is derivative, the lyrics are trite, the singer puts zero emotion into anything. It's... it's just... pathetic.

STEPHEN: Well... why do you still listen to them?
CARLOS: (sigh) I dunno....

CARLOS: Sometimes I just think it's because their website has a really nice message board.
STEPHEN: Yeah... yeah, that off-topic forum is solid....

Watching your friends on VH1

RONI: Man. Hard to believe. Kevin Edo, our bassist just two years ago, started "Jumpstart Malady", the most successful rock band in twenty years.
KEVIN EDO: (silent)

RONI: And here we are, still in Brooklyn, watching the "Behind the Music" about him. About Kevin Edo. So weird.
DAN: Shh! It's back on!

VH1 NARRATOR: "For several years before forming 'Malady', Edo toiled in several small unsuccessful N.Y. bands..."

DAN: Oh my God, John, get in here, they just mentioned us on TV!!
CHRISTINA: I... I gotta call m-my mom....

Getting in the right bin

JOHN: Whoa whoa whoa.... Terry! How come our EPs are stocked in the "Local Music" section?
TERRY: Because you are a local band, John.

JOHN: No no no, Terry: we are a band, plain and simple! You move every single one of our EPs to "Rock/Pop" right now, man!!!
TERRY: OK! Fine, fine....

TERRY: There. Happy?

JOHN: "Misc. A"? You filed us in "Misc. A"? Why don't you just pick up that plastic tabbed divider and slit my throat, Terry!
TERRY: John... (sigh) I got displays to set up, man.