Comics | Page 37 | Bassist Wanted

Making the CD at Kinko’s

JAMES: Hi, we need this CD reproduced with this as the cover.
JOHN: I'm in a band TOO, y'know.

JAMES: Oh... cool. So... what kind of turnaround time we lookin' at?
JOHN: SCREW YOU. You think you're BETTER than me?

JAMES: Um... no.
JOHN: GOOD. Because you're NOT. You've got ZERO talent compared to me.

JAMES: Is this, like, the "hard sell"?
JOHN: Now. Can I interest you in adding toner to your order?
JOEL: No, I think it's the "weird sell".

Shukri meets the agent

KEVIN: Anthony, this is Shukri, my newly adopted African orphan daughter/lover.
ANTHONY: I know Shukri. Took a meeting with her on Monday.

KEVIN: You met with my AGENT before you met ME?
SHUKRI: Yes.

KEVIN: So, what? Are you REPPING her now?
ANTHONY: Oh no no...

ANTHONY: She went with William Morris.
SHUKRI: They have a stronger orphan division.

Changing the order

DAN: John, you can't change people's orders, dude.
JOHN: They'll appreciate the changes when it's done.

DAN: But... the customer is always right.
JOHN: Screw that. My idea is BETTER.

JOHN: I change what I want, when I want, if it'll improve the piece. I run my life like I run our band.
DAN: Yeah...

DAN: ...our band's not very SUCCESSFUL though.
JOHN: The new rule is: the customer is NOT always right, and is usually an IDIOT.

Legal divorce

KEVIN: Anthony? Where's SHUKRI?
ANTHONY: I just heard from her agent. She's legally divorcing you as a parent. Also, she's screwing Robert Pattinson.

KEVIN: Whoa. So my adopted African daughter/lover left me for the guy from Twilight.
ANTHONY: It's a tale as old as time.

KEVIN: Hey, did you ever find out for me how her parents died?
ANTHONY: Yes. They were beheaded during a military coup she initiated.

KEVIN: (sigh) I'm gonna miss her.
ANTHONY: She's quite a woman.

This isn’t a CD

JAMES: This isn't a CD. It's a bunch of construction paper and GLITTER.
JOHN: Uh, NO, it's a SCRAPBOOK and it's work of ART.

JAMES: We didn't order a SCRAPBOOK. We paid you to reproduce our CD.
JOHN: Oh, no, I destroyed your CD.

JAMES: That was our MASTER!
JOHN: It was GARBAGE. THIS captures the essence of your band.

JAMES: THIS is our album cover surrounded by pictures of a baby in a LOBSTER costume!
JOHN: It's... SO much more... Did you even READ the puffy paint?

Lost the master

JAMES: The douchebag at Kinko's lost our master, Joel! Can you help us record it again?

JOEL: Well, my boss caught on to what we were doing, so... NO. I can't even UNOFFICIALLY represent you anymore.
JAMES: So... THAT'S IT?

JAMES: So we did ALL that work, NOTHING came of it, and now you're ABANDONING us?
JOEL: Well, YES.

JOEL: So you really did get a taste of what it's like to be signed to a label.

You’re fired

KINKO'S BOSS: OK, Romero, you get your wish. You're fired.
JOHN: You can't fire me! I fire me!

JOHN: My dad's settlement money came through, so FUCK THIS DAYJOB!

JOHN: I'm going back to getting my money the way an artist SHOULD!

KINKO'S BOSS:: By falling ass-backwards into it via luck and/or family?
JOHN: It's how this country was built!

Signing Shukri

BART: Joel, now that this Twilight kid's single hit number one, I'd like you to sign his new girlfriend, Shukri.

JOEL: Does... (sigh) Does she have any musical talent?
BART: No, but she's got a great story!

BART: She's an African orphan, adopted and brought to America by popstar Kevin Edo, who she then dated. She's got buzz and major star power.

SHUKRI: And I have an amazing rack.
JOEL: I thought she was dating Robert Pattinson?
BART: She was. From 2pm to 2:30. It's over.
AYOK: Sxbl.

Free of the shackles

DAN: You happy to be free of the shackles of the dayjob?
JOHN: Oh yeah, man.

JOHN: And my settlement checks are even bigger than they were before, so I'm gonna donate some stuff to one of them starving African orphan kids.

JOHN: They say they need the essentials, so I'm thinking some Beatles CDs, some Stones, maybe early Bowie...

DAN: What about... FOOD?
JOHN: Um... sure, I could eat.

Creepy but noble

PETER: Well, for what it's worth, I think adopting that hot 19-year-old orphan was, though CREEPY, sort of NOBLE.

KEVIN: Yeah, I think, in the end, I'm just not fit for organized charity.
PETER: So no more do-gooding?

KEVIN: Oh no, I just need to get back to how I USED to help people.
PETER: How's that?

KEVIN: Having sex with the disadvantaged, man.
PETER: You're one of the good ones, Kev.