Comics with Tony King the agent | Bassist Wanted

Thinking outside the box

AGENT: OK, bad news, boys, the label was very down on the last tapes of the album you sent in.

AGENT: So, if this record is gonna happen, we need to really change it up, think outside the box.
GORDON CRANWICK: OK.
KEVIN EDO: Yeah.

GORDON CRANWICK: What if we made the whole CD a hidden track!
KEVIN EDO: Ooo, yeah! So, like, there's just 40 minutes of silence... and then the album!

AGENT: OK... everybody back in the box....
GORDON CRANWICK: We could re-record all the guitar solos with pan flutes!
KEVIN EDO: Pan flutes! Yes! Yes!
ROCCO: (silent)

Happy with the mix

AGENT: OK, so we're good now? You're both happy with what we're doing with the song?
KEVIN EDO: Yes.
GORDON CRANWICK: Yes.

AGENT: Kevin's parts have been removed entirely.
KEVIN EDO: Right, I'm not involved at ALL.
GORDON CRANWICK: Yeah, NO guitar.

AGENT: We're putting it as the 8th of 10 songs on the album.
KEVIN EDO: Yes.
GORDON CRANWICK: Fine, bury it. But it's ON the album.

AGENT: And the song will be titled "Kevin Edo is an egotistical asshole".
GORDON CRANWICK: YES.
KEVIN EDO: Call it whatever you like, NO one listens past track 5....

Practicing for the tour

AGENT: OK, tour starts Friday. Now, you all won't actually be playing your instruments. We'll be piping in the music.

AGENT: But your hands need to look like they're moving along with the recordings.
KEVIN EDO: What, like those mechanical bears at Chuck E. Cheese?

AGENT: If that helps you, sure.
GORDON CRANWICK: Jesus, we don't need to rehearse that, Anth. We know--
PETER WELD: C'mon! Let's just go! One! Two! Thr--

PETER WELD: Wait, hold on.... Dropped my sticks....
GORDON CRANWICK: I stand corrected.
AGENT: Maybe we'll just project video of you guys playing.

Peter won’t play Boston

AGENT: So then you guys'll play Boston.
PETER WELD: No! We DON'T play Boston!
KEVIN EDO: Last tour, we ate Thai food in Boston.
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter ordered Pad Kee Mao.

PETER WELD: I asked for it MILD!
KEVIN EDO: They made it too spicy.
AGENT: Why didn't you just send it back?
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter doesn't send back food.

KEVIN EDO: So Jumpstart Malady won't play Boston.
GORDON CRANWICK: So Peter won't play Boston.
AGENT: OK... OK, well, no Boston.

AGENT: So next is New Haven....
PETER WELD: HA! No WAY I play New Haven!
KEVIN EDO: Last tour, we went bowling in New Haven.
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter rolled an 8-10 split.

Picking an opening band

AGENT: Here's who's available for an opening band: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Giant Drag, the Futureheads and the Subways.
KEVIN EDO: They're good, right? And all rock?

KEVIN EDO: I won't have our fans sit through 45 minutes of noise.
AGENT: They're all good. All rock. Just need you to pick one. Here's their albums, you can listen and--

KEVIN EDO: Any of 'em have hot chicks?

AGENT: Well... I guess Giant Drag has--
KEVIN EDO: OK, them then, "Giant Drug." Hey, is the guitar-shaped Sealy on the tour bus yet?

Soundcheck in Chicago

AGENT: You have 20 minutes for soundcheck. Where's Gordon?
KEVIN EDO: Gordon's not coming.
PETER WELD: Where will the water be? And snacks?

AGENT: Water behind the bass amp. Hummus and pitas by the scaffolding. What? Where is he, Kevin?
KEVIN EDO: Dunno. Don't care. Don't need him.
PETER WELD: Oooo, hummus....

AGENT: I'll find Gordon, you guys see how things sound.
KEVIN EDO: HELLO, HELLO. GO FUCK YOURSELF, CHICAGO.
PETER WELD: Hey, nice screen, we got the JVC.

KEVIN EDO: HEH, I'M JUST KIDDING, CHICAGO. PETER, YOU... GOT HUMMUS ON YOUR EAR.
PETER WELD: Whoop, so I do. Good eye....

Coaxing Gordon to play

AGENT: Gordon, come out of there, buddy. The show starts in a half hour.
GORDON CRANWICK: NO way, man. Not unless we play some of my songs.

AGENT: No, look, Kevin's got some of yours in here...
GORDON CRANWICK: KEVIN put ONE of my songs, BURIED in the middle of the set, and KEVIN can go FUCK himself.

AGENT: Gordon, (sigh)... I dunno, look, what if I arrange for the camera guy to... CONCENTRATE on you a little more than usual?

GORDON CRANWICK: How "concentrated" are we talking?
AGENT: 65% of head shots, Gordon, 100% of two shots, now put some pants on....

Jumpstart Malady leaves Chicago

AGENT: OK, first show went well... sold-out house, and gordon only quit ONCE, heh, right, guys?

AGENT: Oh, we're all set up in Cleveland. We're at the Four Seasons. And I confirmed Letterman in April... Guys? Why are we not talking?

AGENT: Jesus, is this still about this morning? There was nothing I could do!
PETER WELD: Bull... SHIT.

AGENT: They stop serving breakfast at 10:30! It's just the rule!
PETER WELD: You find me a McGriddle, Anth, or I fund us a new manager!
GORDON CRANWICK: I... I quit.
KEVIN EDO: Shut up, Gordon.

Enthusiast press

KEVIN EDO: So I have to have dinner with some MUSIC REVIEWER from a magazine?
ANTHONY THE AGENT: He's not with a magazine.

ANTHONY THE AGENT: He's part of the ENTHUSIAST PRESS: bloggers, podcasters, fanboys... they're just like actual journalists, but they have LESS INTEGRITY and own MORE MEMORABILIA.

KEVIN EDO: But why DINNER? Let's just bribe his parent company!
ANTHONY THE AGENT: He has no parent company, Kevin! We gotta use PERSONAL INTERACTION with these guys. Blind 'em with star power.

KEVIN EDO: (sigh) It used to be so EASY to buy reviews.
ANTHONY THE AGENT: Just pretend you respect him for a coupla minutes... y'know... like we do with Congressmen...

Inauguration gig

KEVIN EDO: No, we WANT an inauguration gig! I just did that stupid Huckabee fundraiser to meet CHUCK NORRIS!
ANTHONY THE AGENT: Jesus, OK! I'll make a call...

KEVIN EDO: Who cares who I "supported" anyway? We're big! Obama's big! He'd WANT us there tomorrow! I mean, right?
PETER WELD: Yeah...

KEVIN EDO: Like I bet Lincoln wanted, like... who was big back then?
PETER WELD: During Lincoln? I dunno...
ANTHONY THE AGENT: No, fuck YOU, Rahm!

ANTHONY THE AGENT: OK, gig's on.
PETER WELD: Elvis Costello?
KEVIN EDO: No, he's NEVER been big... And I think he fought for the British, man.