Comics with The Cloud (a contextual boyfriend) | Bassist Wanted

Dating the Cloud

SMITA: It's like you don't even know me anymore. You used to keep up with what music I liked and RECOMMEND things to me.

SMITA: I bet PANDORA knows me better than YOU these days. Or the iTunes GENIUS BUTTON! And AMAZON.COM knows me MUCH better than you!

SMITA: So I'm leaving you, Brett. I'm leaving you for the Internet.
BRETT: WHAT?

SMITA: Meet my new boyfriend, THE CLOUD.
BRETT: My... my God...
THE CLOUD: Just got DUMPED? Try Match.com!

Contextual boyfriend

SMITA: THE CLOUD is a manifestation of all my Internet purchases, searches, Tweets and emails. He's a CONTEXTUAL BOYFRIEND. He's what I want before I want it.

THE CLOUD: I'm constantly absorbing information and refining my personality to better suit Smita. Right, honeybun?
SMITA: "Honeybun"? Blech... BURY!

THE CLOUD: PLEASE WAIT... 68%... Interpreting data... Processing results... Reticulating splines...

THE CLOUD: Right, SWEETIE PIE?
SMITA: Aw, I AM your sweetie pie!! LIKE! LIKE!
BRETT: "Reticulating splines"?

Optimized date schedule

BRETT: What're you and "THE CLOUD" doing tonight?
THE CLOUD: 6:04 - We will eat gnocchi and listen to ELO. 6:51 - I'll console her about a conflict at work.

THE CLOUD: 7:02 - I'll brush the hair from her face... and smile. 7:37 - We'll begin FOREPLAY.
SMITA: I thought we were watching FIREFLY tonight.

THE CLOUD: Yes, welll... the intercourse I have planned will be very... WHEDONESQUE.

BRETT: So you'll have witty dirty talk, sing when you orgasm and overanalyze it all later on Internet forums?
SMITA: OOO!! No spoilers!

Contextual ads

BRETT: Aren't you turned off by the contextual ads he spews out?
SMITA: No, I mean, look, he has to make money.

THE CLOUD: Make money online!
BRETT: Ugh, I'm not a fan...
THE CLOUD: Ceiling fan outlet!
BRETT: See? It's CREEPY...
THE CLOUD: Creepy Halloween masks?

BRETT: Please-
THE CLOUD: PLEASE your woman!
BRETT: No-
THE CLOUD: NOMAR Garciaparra signed bobbleheads!
BRETT: STOP!!
THE CLOUD: STOP SIGNS! Hilarious novelty stop signs!

BRETT: AUGH!! Quit it, quit it, QUIT IT!
THE CLOUD: Sarah Palin in 2012: Donate now!!

I’ll add your RSS thingie

SMITA: The Cloud is hooked into every single life-streaming service I use.
THE CLOUD: And I'm able to accept any new data feeds that arise.

BRETT: I... I can do that, TOO!! I'll, you know, I'll add your "RSS" thingie to... to my... to my iTUNES...
SMITA: You can't exactly-

BRETT: Yes, I CAN, OK? I'm no... I'm no TECHNOPHOBE! I, uh... OK, OK... lessee... VIDEO 1... and I want...

SMITA: (sigh) That's the TV, Brett.
BRETT: Just GIMME a minute! Now... what "brightness" is your blog?

The Cloud’s favorite band

BRETT: Does your "cloud boyfriend" like music?
THE CLOUD: 65.3% of males matching Smita's most desired demographic list "Moby Grape" as a favorite band.

THE CLOUD: So Moby Grape is MY favorite band.
BRETT: Ugh... Can't you see how PHONY that is?

BRETT: He just morphs to whatever you want!
SMITA: Yes. He is... a SYCOPHANT.

SMITA: But he's very transparent about the process...
THE CLOUD: My ass-kissing is completely open source.

Smita leaves

SMITA: Brett, this is it. I'm breaking up with you. Goodbye.

BRETT: Smita! NO! PLEASE! We can work this OUT! Smita! SMITA!

BRETT: Can... can she not HEAR me?
THE CLOUD: She's clicked "don't show", Brett.

THE CLOUD: You... no longer appear in her feed.
BRETT: NOOOO!!

Post-breakup Facebook strategy

BRETT: So she's "hidden" me. But I'll still see her and all her friends in my feed.
THE CLOUD: Well, I can unfriend them.

BRETT: NO! I don't want her to think I'm GIVING UP on her!
THE CLOUD: Of course, then I can just HIDE them.

BRETT: Well, but I want to keep tabs on them... though not her GUY friends.
THE CLOUD: I... suppose I could create a LIST that-

BRETT: While you're at it, hide her stupid KICKBALL TEAM pictures!
THE CLOUD: OK, um... now do you have Greasemonkey installed?

Catsitting web history

BRETT: So now that you're dating her, has she... told you stuff about me?
THE CLOUD: No. But I have access to her Web history while you were catsitting for her.

THE CLOUD: It paints an odd picture. You spent all your time at two sites: McSweeneys.com and "Big Tits At School".

BRETT: HEY... I went to that second one IRONICALLY.

BRETT: At FIRST...
THE CLOUD: Interestingly, you alt-tabbed between the two a LOT...

Out of nowhere

BRETT: I can't believe she left me. This is so out of NOWHERE...
THE CLOUD: ACTUALLY... 4 weeks ago you fought after seeing "Away We Go".

THE CLOUD: Her tone in emails, texts and tweets since then CLEARLY indicates a building resentment that you've done little to counter.

A pause.

BRETT: Can I opt-out of your hindsight?
THE CLOUD: Certainly. Would you mind taking a short survey before you unsubscribe?