Comics with Jumpstart Malady (a famous band) | Page 2 | Bassist Wanted

Kevin tells Gordon about tour

GORDON CRANWICK: What? On TOUR? What-- where do you come off, Kevin? Fuck you. You treat me and Peter like SHIT. We have ZERO artistic control anymore.

GORDON CRANWICK: Not until we become a BAND again, and not some Kevin Edo promotional machine, will I even CONSIDER standing on stage with you, you fucking... FUCKHOLE!!

SOUND EFFECT: SLAM!

GORDON CRANWICK: OK.... That felt good. So, first date's in Chicago?
KEVIN EDO: Yeah, on Friday.

Practicing for the tour

AGENT: OK, tour starts Friday. Now, you all won't actually be playing your instruments. We'll be piping in the music.

AGENT: But your hands need to look like they're moving along with the recordings.
KEVIN EDO: What, like those mechanical bears at Chuck E. Cheese?

AGENT: If that helps you, sure.
GORDON CRANWICK: Jesus, we don't need to rehearse that, Anth. We know--
PETER WELD: C'mon! Let's just go! One! Two! Thr--

PETER WELD: Wait, hold on.... Dropped my sticks....
GORDON CRANWICK: I stand corrected.
AGENT: Maybe we'll just project video of you guys playing.

Peter

KEVIN EDO: You were out of control last tour, man. Using every night... high every show....
GORDON CRANWICK: We don't want that to happen again.

KEVIN EDO: Look, we care a lot about you. You're an important part of our lives. We don't want to lose you.
GORDON CRANWICK: But Peter, the reality is...

GORDON CRANWICK: If you don't stop hogging all the heroin, you're out of the band.

PETER WELD: Wow.
KEVIN EDO: I know that's a tough thing to hear, man.
GORDON CRANWICK: Also, those fun size Twix on the bus are COMMUNAL, Peter.

Peter won’t play Boston

AGENT: So then you guys'll play Boston.
PETER WELD: No! We DON'T play Boston!
KEVIN EDO: Last tour, we ate Thai food in Boston.
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter ordered Pad Kee Mao.

PETER WELD: I asked for it MILD!
KEVIN EDO: They made it too spicy.
AGENT: Why didn't you just send it back?
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter doesn't send back food.

KEVIN EDO: So Jumpstart Malady won't play Boston.
GORDON CRANWICK: So Peter won't play Boston.
AGENT: OK... OK, well, no Boston.

AGENT: So next is New Haven....
PETER WELD: HA! No WAY I play New Haven!
KEVIN EDO: Last tour, we went bowling in New Haven.
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter rolled an 8-10 split.

Picking an opening band

AGENT: Here's who's available for an opening band: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Giant Drag, the Futureheads and the Subways.
KEVIN EDO: They're good, right? And all rock?

KEVIN EDO: I won't have our fans sit through 45 minutes of noise.
AGENT: They're all good. All rock. Just need you to pick one. Here's their albums, you can listen and--

KEVIN EDO: Any of 'em have hot chicks?

AGENT: Well... I guess Giant Drag has--
KEVIN EDO: OK, them then, "Giant Drug." Hey, is the guitar-shaped Sealy on the tour bus yet?

The redesigned tour bus

KEVIN EDO: Wow, you totally redesigned the tour bus, Peter.
PETER WELD: Yeah, dude, and I am HELLA psyched for this tour now.

PETER WELD: Check it out: PS2, GameCube, XBox 360. And I set up a full HD theater in the back.
KEVIN EDO: That's cool, man. And this little screen here?

PETER WELD: A GPS system. This dot represents the location of the RFID chip I secretly implanted in my wife.
KEVIN EDO: That's... creepy, man.

KEVIN EDO: Do... you have any more chips?
PETER WELD: Whoa... she's breached the 25-mile perimeter! Code red, Joe! Drive, drive!

Figuring out the setlist

KEVIN EDO: OK, we're pulling into Chicago. Let's talk setlist.
PETER WELD: Whatever you guys decide is fine.
GORDON CRANWICK: I want at least 3 of my songs in the show.

KEVIN EDO: Well... now we do need to play our hits.
PETER WELD: Someone just post the list on my high-hat.
GORDON CRANWICK: Is that some sort of indirect jab at my songs?

KEVIN EDO: I didn't mean to be indirect, Gordon.
PETER WELD: And grab me for the encore. I'll be here in the bus.
GORDON CRANWICK: Fuck you, Kevin! I'm not playing tonight!

KEVIN EDO: None of us are playing. They're dubbing in the music.
GORDON CRANWICK: Well, then I'm not FAKE playing!
PETER WELD: Shit. OK, I need somebody's Warcraft login.

Soundcheck in Chicago

AGENT: You have 20 minutes for soundcheck. Where's Gordon?
KEVIN EDO: Gordon's not coming.
PETER WELD: Where will the water be? And snacks?

AGENT: Water behind the bass amp. Hummus and pitas by the scaffolding. What? Where is he, Kevin?
KEVIN EDO: Dunno. Don't care. Don't need him.
PETER WELD: Oooo, hummus....

AGENT: I'll find Gordon, you guys see how things sound.
KEVIN EDO: HELLO, HELLO. GO FUCK YOURSELF, CHICAGO.
PETER WELD: Hey, nice screen, we got the JVC.

KEVIN EDO: HEH, I'M JUST KIDDING, CHICAGO. PETER, YOU... GOT HUMMUS ON YOUR EAR.
PETER WELD: Whoop, so I do. Good eye....

Coaxing Gordon to play

AGENT: Gordon, come out of there, buddy. The show starts in a half hour.
GORDON CRANWICK: NO way, man. Not unless we play some of my songs.

AGENT: No, look, Kevin's got some of yours in here...
GORDON CRANWICK: KEVIN put ONE of my songs, BURIED in the middle of the set, and KEVIN can go FUCK himself.

AGENT: Gordon, (sigh)... I dunno, look, what if I arrange for the camera guy to... CONCENTRATE on you a little more than usual?

GORDON CRANWICK: How "concentrated" are we talking?
AGENT: 65% of head shots, Gordon, 100% of two shots, now put some pants on....

Jumpstart Malady meets Giant Drag

MICAH CALABRESE: Are you guys almost done? We need to set up.
KEVIN EDO: Yeah, sure. All yours. You're "Giant Drug"?
ANNIE HARDY: Giant DRAG.
PETER WELD: Hi, I'm Peter.

MICAH CALABRESE: I'm Micah. That's Annie.
KEVIN EDO: Just two of you, huh?
ANNIE HARDY: Yeah, I play guitar. He plays keyboard and drums.
PETER WELD: At the same time?

MICAH CALABRESE: Yeah.
KEVIN EDO: So... what's the story? You guys fucking?
ANNIE HARDY: Well, I FUCKING think your music eats dick.

KEVIN EDO: Ooo, like the foul mouth. Here's my hotel key....
ANNIE HARDY: Lick a hole and die.
MICAH CALABRESE: There's hummus all over these cymbals.
PETER WELD: Wait... at the SAME TIME?