Comics with Gordon the pretentious popstar | Bassist Wanted

Thinking outside the box

AGENT: OK, bad news, boys, the label was very down on the last tapes of the album you sent in.

AGENT: So, if this record is gonna happen, we need to really change it up, think outside the box.
GORDON CRANWICK: OK.
KEVIN EDO: Yeah.

GORDON CRANWICK: What if we made the whole CD a hidden track!
KEVIN EDO: Ooo, yeah! So, like, there's just 40 minutes of silence... and then the album!

AGENT: OK... everybody back in the box....
GORDON CRANWICK: We could re-record all the guitar solos with pan flutes!
KEVIN EDO: Pan flutes! Yes! Yes!
ROCCO: (silent)

Different Mix

KEVIN EDO: OK, Gordon, here's the mix of your song. Now... I sort of went for a different feel with it....
GORDON CRANWICK: OK.

PETER WELD: Wow. This is really different, Kevin.
KEVIN EDO: Yeah, it's a different sort of take on it.

GORDON CRANWICK: Yeah, it's definitely different, Kevin.
KEVIN EDO: Yeah, I was going for something different.
PETER WELD: Really different.

GORDON CRANWICK: Yeah, do you not like my song, Kevin?
KEVIN EDO: No, I really don't, Gordon.
PETER WELD: I mean it sounds like a different song.

Fixed mix

GORDON CRANWICK: This mix sucks, Kevin! You purposefully made a crappy mix of the one song I have on this album!
KEVIN EDO: That's not true.

GORDON CRANWICK: It's a fix! You fixed the mix!
KEVIN EDO: (sigh) I did the best mix I could with that song, Gordon.

GORDON CRANWICK: The best mix?! I told you Peter's drums were lame, why didn't you turn them up?!

KEVIN EDO: I can turn up the drums, Gordon, but I can't turn up the heart!
PETER WELD: My drums were lame. You know, I don't think I get your song, Gordon.

I want it in writing

KEVIN EDO: Don't take that the wrong way, Gordon, I just--
GORDON CRANWICK: Excuse me?! I can't believe-- I want that in writing, Kevin.

KEVIN EDO: Come on, look--
GORDON CRANWICK: No, here: "I, Kevin Edo, state that Gordon Cranwick's songwriting lacks heart." Sign it!

KEVIN EDO: (sigh) I'm not signing this, Gordon, when, when....

KEVIN EDO: You know, it's not so much "heart" as it is "emotion."
GORDON CRANWICK: Make whatever changes you like! I'll initial them!

Happy with the mix

AGENT: OK, so we're good now? You're both happy with what we're doing with the song?
KEVIN EDO: Yes.
GORDON CRANWICK: Yes.

AGENT: Kevin's parts have been removed entirely.
KEVIN EDO: Right, I'm not involved at ALL.
GORDON CRANWICK: Yeah, NO guitar.

AGENT: We're putting it as the 8th of 10 songs on the album.
KEVIN EDO: Yes.
GORDON CRANWICK: Fine, bury it. But it's ON the album.

AGENT: And the song will be titled "Kevin Edo is an egotistical asshole".
GORDON CRANWICK: YES.
KEVIN EDO: Call it whatever you like, NO one listens past track 5....

Kevin tells Gordon about tour

GORDON CRANWICK: What? On TOUR? What-- where do you come off, Kevin? Fuck you. You treat me and Peter like SHIT. We have ZERO artistic control anymore.

GORDON CRANWICK: Not until we become a BAND again, and not some Kevin Edo promotional machine, will I even CONSIDER standing on stage with you, you fucking... FUCKHOLE!!

SOUND EFFECT: SLAM!

GORDON CRANWICK: OK.... That felt good. So, first date's in Chicago?
KEVIN EDO: Yeah, on Friday.

Practicing for the tour

AGENT: OK, tour starts Friday. Now, you all won't actually be playing your instruments. We'll be piping in the music.

AGENT: But your hands need to look like they're moving along with the recordings.
KEVIN EDO: What, like those mechanical bears at Chuck E. Cheese?

AGENT: If that helps you, sure.
GORDON CRANWICK: Jesus, we don't need to rehearse that, Anth. We know--
PETER WELD: C'mon! Let's just go! One! Two! Thr--

PETER WELD: Wait, hold on.... Dropped my sticks....
GORDON CRANWICK: I stand corrected.
AGENT: Maybe we'll just project video of you guys playing.

Peter

KEVIN EDO: You were out of control last tour, man. Using every night... high every show....
GORDON CRANWICK: We don't want that to happen again.

KEVIN EDO: Look, we care a lot about you. You're an important part of our lives. We don't want to lose you.
GORDON CRANWICK: But Peter, the reality is...

GORDON CRANWICK: If you don't stop hogging all the heroin, you're out of the band.

PETER WELD: Wow.
KEVIN EDO: I know that's a tough thing to hear, man.
GORDON CRANWICK: Also, those fun size Twix on the bus are COMMUNAL, Peter.

Peter won’t play Boston

AGENT: So then you guys'll play Boston.
PETER WELD: No! We DON'T play Boston!
KEVIN EDO: Last tour, we ate Thai food in Boston.
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter ordered Pad Kee Mao.

PETER WELD: I asked for it MILD!
KEVIN EDO: They made it too spicy.
AGENT: Why didn't you just send it back?
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter doesn't send back food.

KEVIN EDO: So Jumpstart Malady won't play Boston.
GORDON CRANWICK: So Peter won't play Boston.
AGENT: OK... OK, well, no Boston.

AGENT: So next is New Haven....
PETER WELD: HA! No WAY I play New Haven!
KEVIN EDO: Last tour, we went bowling in New Haven.
GORDON CRANWICK: Peter rolled an 8-10 split.

Figuring out the setlist

KEVIN EDO: OK, we're pulling into Chicago. Let's talk setlist.
PETER WELD: Whatever you guys decide is fine.
GORDON CRANWICK: I want at least 3 of my songs in the show.

KEVIN EDO: Well... now we do need to play our hits.
PETER WELD: Someone just post the list on my high-hat.
GORDON CRANWICK: Is that some sort of indirect jab at my songs?

KEVIN EDO: I didn't mean to be indirect, Gordon.
PETER WELD: And grab me for the encore. I'll be here in the bus.
GORDON CRANWICK: Fuck you, Kevin! I'm not playing tonight!

KEVIN EDO: None of us are playing. They're dubbing in the music.
GORDON CRANWICK: Well, then I'm not FAKE playing!
PETER WELD: Shit. OK, I need somebody's Warcraft login.