Comics with Bart the evil executive | Bassist Wanted

Tell me what I want to hear

JOEL: The song is fresh; it's hip. But it still has those great Malady hooks.
BART: You know what I want to hear, Joel. Tell me.

JOEL: And Kevin's lyrics are really solid. He's coming from a real emotional place now. People will feel this one.
BART: Joel... come on, Joel. Tell me what I want to hear.

JOEL: (sigh) And yes, there will be titties in the video....
BART: JACKPOT!

Album leakage

BART: The album leaked!? Who leaked it!? Sue 'em, Joel! Squeeze 'em 'til it hurts!
JOEL: Once the files are out there, sir, it's nearly impossible to tell who leaked them.

BART: Then who's downloading it? Sue them! Drain the bastards dry!!
JOEL: Eh, with these newer P2P file sharing networks... that's pretty hard to track.

BART: Well, God damn it, Joel....

BART: Can we just sue the Internet in general then?
JOEL: Legal's looking into it, sir....

The Wrong Approach

BART: Joel, it occurs to me... I'm always looking for bands who're similar to existing popular bands. Maybe... it's the
wrong approach.

JOEL: Sir! I've felt this way for years! We need bands that sound
different! New sounds! We-
BART: What? No. No, what we need is more accurate copies.

BART: We need human clones, Joel.

JOEL: Come... come again, sir?
BART: Look, here's a number of a guy I know down at GeniTECH....

The Future Is Not In Cloning

JOEL: Sir, your friend at GeniTECH has concluded cloning bands to create hits just isn't practical. For one thing, there's a 20-year lag time while the clones mature.

BART: Well... I guess it was sort of crazy, wasn't it? To think the future of music lay in human cloning?
JOEL: Heh... yes, sir.

BART: When clearly, from what you're saying, the future of music lies in a combination of cloning and time travel.

BART: Now, here's a number of a guy I know at Wormhole Depot...
JOEL: Sir, how do you know these people?

Gordon wants a solo album

GORDON CRANWICK: But Kevin got to put out a solo album!
BART: Kevin is the frontman. He's the Rob Thomas of the band.

GORDON CRANWICK: Who the hell am I then?!
BART: You're the Tom Poston of the band.

GORDON CRANWICK: Who the hell's Tom Poston?!
BART: He was on Newhart, Gordon.

GORDON CRANWICK: So what the hell does that mean?
BART: It means "no solo for Gordo." Barbra, is Newhart out on DVD yet?
BARBRA: No, sir.

Told you so

BART: Frank, we're laying you off. The label's in the shitter, largely because we failed to follow your constant advice to embrace online music sharing.

BART: We're not giving you a severance package, but I am willing to let you scream "I told you so" very loudly in my face a few times.
SIMON: OK.

SIMON: I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO! I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO WITH THIS MUSIC SHARING SHIT!

SIMON: Thanks... hey, can I get a letter of recommendation?
BART: Sure thing.

Taking more chances

BART: Joel, we need to take more CHANCES at this label.
JOEL: Wow, sir... YES! Let's scour the Web and local clubs for new talent!

BART: We need to give people more OPPORTUNITIES! Find artists who people have COUNTED OUT!
JOEL: YES! I even have some lists here of unsigned bands who-

BART: Joel, we need to give Katharine McPhee a SECOND ALBUM!!

JOEL: Dear God... he... he's got the MCPHEEVER again...
BART: And if necessary a third and fourth one! That girl's GOT something!

Human slavery

BART: Joel, can we... sell all our musicians into human slavery?
JOEL: Legally? Yes.

JOEL: They're under very, VERY exploitative contracts.

JOEL: But, ah, morally speaking, we probably... shouldn't.
BART: Yes, I suppose that's right.

BART: What if it's just the trance artists?

We’re artists

BOY BAND DUDE: We're ARTISTS!
BART: You're a boy band.
BOY BAND DUDE: We WON'T make ringtones!

BART: You're under contract.
BOY BAND DUDE: To make MUSIC!
BART: Ringtones ARE music.

BOY BAND DUDE: We have IDEALS!
BART: You have sex tapes.
BOY BAND DUDE: Sex tapes... launch CAREERS!

BART: Not sex tapes with old, hairy Cincinnati pretzel vendors.
BOY BAND DUDE: We're... ARTISTS...

This song isn’t catching

JOEL: Was it a… a GOOD song, sir?
BART: Oh God no… No, no, it's a dreadful little song.

BART: But it had such SYNERGY…

JOEL: Well… They can't all be the Black Eyed Peas, sir.
BART: Would that they could, Joel… (sigh) Would that they could…