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Hancock Records the corporate music label

A character featured in 71 comics.

Tell me what I want to hear

May 24, 2005

JOEL: Well, I've got the brand new Jumpstart Malady single ready, Bart.
BART: Tell me what I want to hear, Joel.
JOEL: The song is fresh; it's hip. But it still has those great Malady hooks.
BART: You know what I want to hear, Joel. Tell me.
JOEL: And Kevin's lyrics are really solid. He's coming from a real emotional place now. People will feel this one.
BART: Joel... come on, Joel. Tell me what I want to hear.
JOEL: (sigh) And yes, there will be titties in the video....
BART: JACKPOT!

Notes from the label

Aug 30, 2005

BART: I don't know what it means, Joel, because it's a word I just made up, but I'll be damned if this label puts out music with that level of splumpf on it!! So fix it!!
JOEL: I... (sigh) yeah, yes, sure. It's... it's fixed.
BART: Good.
JOEL: A-and that's... "s-p-l-..."?
BART: I don't know how to spell it, Joel!!!

Album leakage

Sep 6, 2005

BART: The album leaked!? Who leaked it!? Sue 'em, Joel! Squeeze 'em 'til it hurts!
JOEL: Once the files are out there, sir, it's nearly impossible to tell who leaked them.
BART: Then who's downloading it? Sue them! Drain the bastards dry!!
JOEL: Eh, with these newer P2P file sharing networks... that's pretty hard to track.
BART: Well, God damn it, Joel....
BART: Can we just sue the Internet in general then?
JOEL: Legal's looking into it, sir....

Contract fine print

Sep 13, 2005

JANOS: Wait, Joel, this contract says we have to change the name of the band.
JOEL: Yes, but you get to choose the name from the list on pg. 13, I fought for that....
DUSTIN: And we lose all rights to all our songs and recordings!
JOEL: You're better off. Believe me. Free from the shackles of "rights"!
JANOS: Wait, we get zero royalties?!
JOEL: Well... yes, but you're missing the big picture....
RAVI: It says I have to: "Stop being Indian."
JOEL: Yes, the label is giving Ravi the opportunity to explore other cultures....

Big fan at a record label

Sep 20, 2005

JOEL: Hi, this is Joel Dever with Hancock Records. Is this Stony from the Humble Bees?
STONY: (silent)
JOEL: Wow, can I just say, I am such a big fan, my first kiss was actually in the backseat of a Jetta listening to "She's a L'il Kinda Mine".
JOEL: Ha, yeah, the biggest... so... anyway....
JOEL: I'm sort of calling to inform you that my label's filing a cease and desist order against you guys....

How to saturate the media

Sep 27, 2005

BART: I want total media saturation for the Jumpstart Malady CD. I want posters everywhere. Posters on billboards. On bus stops. On baby carriages.
BART: I want ads on radio. On TV. On the Internet. I want a new form of information transfer developed, and I want ads on that. Saturation, Joel.
BART: I want farmers in remote areas of Chad, who've never before heard recorded music, to have the release date of this album burned into their sun-soaked, 3rd world brains.
BART: Also... try to get them on Leno maybe.... Call me when you get in.

The Wrong Approach

Nov 7, 2005

BART: Joel, it occurs to me... I'm always looking for bands who're similar to existing popular bands. Maybe... it's the
wrong approach.
JOEL: Sir! I've felt this way for years! We need bands that sound
different! New sounds! We-
BART: What? No. No, what we need is more accurate copies.
BART: We need human clones, Joel.
JOEL: Come... come again, sir?
BART: Look, here's a number of a guy I know down at GeniTECH....

Cloning is not instantaneous

Nov 8, 2005

DR. CARY: Hancock Records wants GeniTECH to do what exactly?
JOEL: Well, my boss, he... this'll sound silly, he wants to make clones of current popular bands.
DR. CARY: Ha ha, well, Mr. Dever, I appreciate your boss's ambition, but human cloning is a new science, and for starters, it's not instantaneous.
DR. CARY: Even if I were to make a clone today, it wouldn't be a mature adult for 18 years. We simply don't have the capability to do what you're describing.
JOEL: Of course, sorry to waste your time, I--
DR. CARY: What we do have are fully grown clones of every popular band from 1983 to 1985. Come, I'll show you....

Just needed a bit of DNA

Nov 9, 2005

DR. CARY: To clone these bands from the 80's, all we needed was a bit of their DNA. And it's never hard to find pieces of the world's most popular bands.
DR. CARY: Foreigner, for example, was recreated from hair grabbed by crazed groupies. The Cars from dandruff left on skinny ties. Gary Numan from dried saliva on moog keyboards.
JOEL: That's incredible.
DR. CARY: Incredible... and true.
JOEL: You're telling me Foreigner had "crazed groupies"?
DR. CARY: Yes, Joel, in 1985, we... we all wanted to know what love was....

Clone Gameroom

Nov 10, 2005

DR. CARY: Here they are, clones of every band with a Billboard Top 10 hit between 1983 and 1985.
JOEL: Wow....
DR. CARY: There's the clone of Bananarama, the clone of Wham!, the clone of Wang Chung.
JOEL: Ooo, and a clone of Roland Gift of Fine Young Cannibals!
DR. CARY: No, no, that actually is Roland. He's Todd's friend and he needed a place to crash for a month.
JOEL: Oh.
ROLAND GIFT: Hey.
ROLAND GIFT: Good thing! Doo doo doo doo doo, good thing!
DR. CARY: Roland! No! What'd I tell you about busking in here! Just ignore him, I'm sorry....

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