Comics with Roni the jaded guitarist | Bassist Wanted

Slaves to the audience

JOHN: OK, post-practice band meeting, people!

JOHN: I'm a little upset about the setlist changes last night. Do we take requests? Yes. But we are not slaves to the audience. The Ambulance Men are artists.

RONI: It was a karaoke night, John. They pick the songs; we play them. That's how it works.

JOHN: SLAVE!!
DAN: I thought our "Sweet Caroline" had a real edge to it, by the way.
CHRISTINA: (silent)

Watching your friends on VH1

RONI: Man. Hard to believe. Kevin Edo, our bassist just two years ago, started "Jumpstart Malady", the most successful rock band in twenty years.
KEVIN EDO: (silent)

RONI: And here we are, still in Brooklyn, watching the "Behind the Music" about him. About Kevin Edo. So weird.
DAN: Shh! It's back on!

VH1 NARRATOR: "For several years before forming 'Malady', Edo toiled in several small unsuccessful N.Y. bands..."

DAN: Oh my God, John, get in here, they just mentioned us on TV!!
CHRISTINA: I... I gotta call m-my mom....

No support in the community

JOHN: Well... yeah....

JOHN: ...but all the other local bands suck, Roni.

Getting approached after the show

JOHN: I always wanted someone to come up after a show and say, "Your songs really moved me."
DAN: Yeah, or like, "You looked hot up there."

JOHN: "Your lyrics... they're like poetry... sweet, sweet poetry."
DAN: "The way you move up there, it just... drove me crazy."

JOHN: "You're the most exciting songwriter of our generation!!"
DAN: "Daniel Lepp, I wanna ride you like Space Mountain!!"

RONI: What's, ah..... What's up, guys?
DAN: H-hey, Roni, I, uh... look I'll be right back, OK?
JOHN: "You! Not Conor Oberst! Not #@*?ing Conor Oberst!!"

Keeping the branding consistent

JOHN: We do so! We're an alt-blues five-piece that plays radio-friendly rock with a garage sensibility.
RONI: John, none of those words even-... wait, there's only four of us, idiot.

JOHN: Yes, but we project the image of a five-piece, Roni.
RONI: Sweet Lord, you're an idiot.
DAN: I could just take this off and wear my undershirt.

JOHN: Dan, Dan, Dan... (sigh) You've got so much to learn about the industry.
RONI: You're an idiot with a dumbass sensibility.
DAN: Ooo, John, two words: neck scarf.

The all office email

SARA: I just sent an all office email telling people about your band!
RONI: Wait. What? NO! Why? I don't want people here knowing about my band!

SARA: But Veronica, now we can come support you at all your shows!
RONI: I don't want people from work at all my shows!

TIM: Hey there, "rock star"!
RONI: AUGH!

TIM: Good news: we're making your next little "show" the October Fun Committee event.
SARA: See? You're Little Ms. Popular now!
RONI: You're Little Ms. DEAD TO ME, Sara... DEAD!!

I never knew

RONI: Hey, Cal, I tried to scan a tax form, and--
CAL: Veronica, I... I didn't know you were in a band.

RONI: Oh. You saw Sara's email. (sigh) Yeah.
CAL: I... I never saw you as... I mean, here you are, this STAR of this... this hit BAND.

RONI: Oh, heh, HARDLY, we mainly play open mic nights, to like 4 people. And I'm not the frontman, I--

CAL: AUTOGRAPH ME, VERONICA!! LET ME BE TOUCHED BY THE HAND OF A ROCK GOD!!
RONI: Cal, this... this is not approriate breakroom behavior, man.

Office guy was in a band

PAT: So you're in a band, huh? I was in a band back in the day. Toured some with the Crue. Crazy times, man.

PAT: Once, on this wicked meth trip, I thought these two chicks WERE cymbals. I pulled a gun on our manager, made him beat them with drumsticks for hours while we mainlined paprika and cried.

PAT: Crazy times....

PAT: So anyway, I upgraded you to Word 2003. Now, there are a few changes you should know about....
RONI: OK....

Office people show up

SARA: We're all here, Veronica! I told you Kemper-Rogers would support you at your shows!
CAL: Wooooo!!
RONI: You all're... here early.

MARCY: Now where can I set up my folding chair and blanket?
RONI: Oh, well, most people just, you know, stand, Marcy.
CAL: MOSH!!

MARCY: Oh my, I didn't wear my standing shoes.
SARA: I love the art on the wall here. I can't make out this one though.

RONI: It... (sigh) it looks to be a monkey sucking on a dolphin's penis, Sara.
MARCY: Oh my.
CAL: Stage dive!

Office people after the show

MARCY: Great job, Veronica! The others from the office had to catch the 1:15 train, but they got to see your first song.
JOHN: Roni, you KNOW this jackass who kept jumping on stage?

CAL: I am a golden god!!
JOHN: Yeah, you almost had a golden goddamned lawsuit on your hands, pal.
MARCY: We better get going, Veronica. Young man: you have a nice voice.

JOHN: Oh... hey, thanks.
RONI: Bye Marcy. Bye Cal.

JOHN: So what's her story? Single?
RONI: Yes, John, she's 68, recently widowed and ready to mingle.